sexybowie_freak (sexybowie_freak) wrote,

365 days, more or less - part 1

part one.

i haven't started drinking yet. part two will be later tonight.

so. here we are.
here i am.

okay, it's been a year. woop-ti-friggin-doo.
a year is shit.

and yet, this has on many respects been one of the best years of my life. i was forced to focus, something that would not have happened without alot of screwing around and fucking up. but, apparently, an apocolypse type scenerio also works.

i've become quieter. much more introverted. but i am much more observant now. there is no need to talk anymore i realized, just a need to listen, watch. breath is too important to waste on the meaningless anymore.

i still smile, laugh, and even on occasion frolic (fuck off, i like frolicing). but i have a goal now.

a year.

i made out better than alot of people. i can live with loss of property. no one close died. we found everyone. a lesson was learned - hold no stock in the material. the egyptians were wrong - you can't bring it with you. even though i will damn well try next time.

i sat down to do this thinking i would have alot to say.
but i don't.

it's been a year.
i haven't healed.
i haven't processed anything.
i still expect to wake up in my old bed.
i want the pain.

but, i don't want to go back anymore.

i just want to know that i can live with this, and i have proven to myself that i can. so, no, i won't deal with it. i will continue to surpress it all. every unfallen tear will remain so.

pain is the best catalyst.
pain is the best cleanser.

and pain will be the only thing that gets me through this.

fuck healing.
i feel alive.

the end.
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